America is obsessed with narcissists. Is Trump to blame?
The year was 2016. “Hamilton” had taken Broadway by storm, “Closer” by The Chainsmokers blared at parties across the nation and nearly every media outlet seemed to ask a different version of the same question: Was Donald Trump, then a candidate for president, a narcissist?
“Is Donald Trump a textbook narcissist?” asked The Washington Post. “Is Donald Trump Actually a Narcissist? Therapists Weigh In!” added Vanity Fair. Others took a more definitive approach, like Harvard Business Review. “Why People Are Drawn to Narcissists Like Donald Trump,” the magazine wrote.
If you’ve been online, you’ve probably heard of narcissism — and, unless your social circle is extremely limited, you probably know a narcissist. That’s at least what Ramani Durvasula — an expert famous online as Dr. Ramani — told me when I interviewed her for the first time in 2021. Even though only about 5% of people are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, this only represents the most extreme cases; she says many, many more people have narcissistic traits and fall somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism. In all likelihood, each of us will cross paths with a narcissist or two or several in our lifetimes.
Perhaps more ubiquitous than narcissists are the articles written about them. I know, because I’ve written several.
OK, more than several.
In the years following my first heartbreak (more on that later), my stories have included how to spot a narcissist on a first date, how narcissists are made, how narcissists treat their children, how narcissists behave during the holidays − the list goes on and on.
But if narcissists are indeed everywhere — and have been everywhere, long before Trump ran for office — why did I, and the rest of the world, only catch on to them in the past five to 10 years? How did the word “narcissist” — now lobbed at everyone from serial killers to presidential candidates to the guy who cut you off in traffic this morning — become the main topic of our culture’s entire conversation around relationships, dating and mental health? And is this obsession good for us?
“When I first started out, people would come in with these bits and pieces, kind of like we’re putting together a puzzle,” says Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist specializing in narcissistic abuse and author of "If Only I'd Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.” “So, they might come in and say, ‘My partner is cheating. I never feel good enough. None of the communication strategies are working for me.’"
Now, "people come in, and even when they first contact me, they’ll say, ‘I think my spouse is a narcissist.’”
Barely anyone was talking about narcissism. Then Trump ran for president.
Narcissism discourse around Trump didn’t stay in the realm of politics. Instead, experts say, it sparked a public awareness about narcissism that grew into a national curiosity.
Google Trends data reflect this: Web searches for “narcissism” skyrocketed between September 2016 and January 2017, just as Trump got elected and took office.
“I'm going to pin a lot of this to the presidential election in 2016, because more journalists were using the term,” says Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and best-selling author. “That word and ‘gaslighting’ — all those words started bubbling up more into sort of national news.”
The truth is, if Trump is a narcissist, he’s likely not the first to run for office. Experts say narcissists often seek positions of power to fuel their grandiose sense of self and mask their insecurity. Their entitlement, charisma, charm and lack of empathy come in handy for these pursuits, which are often successful. Narcissists have almost certainly at some point been on your local school board, in your church’s leadership and, yes, in the highest halls of government.
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The way the media covered Trump isn’t entirely to blame for the explosion of narcissism talk in our culture. Durvasula says there are some other things that got people interested in the topic, too: social media and reality television, which reward self-centeredness, as well as the true crime genre, which stokes fascination with the psychology of criminals.
The #MeToo movement of 2017, which spotlighted sexual abuse, also played a major role. Faced with horrific, high-profile stories of misconduct, Cole says, “people wonder, ‘How does this happen?’ ”
“I think we did get into more narcissism and gaslighting, coercive control, psychological abuse, talking about what these concepts look like, because people were trying to make sense of some of those awful things that happened,” she says.
Google searches for narcissism dipped after January 2017, but sharply rose again in mid-2020, reaching an all-time high in July 2022. Narcissism searches have remained at that peak ever since.
Cole suspects much of this has been fueled by the pandemic. After all, if diagnosed narcissists make up 5% of the population — and that doesn’t even scratch the surface of the third of people who, by Durvasula's estimation, have narcissistic traits — then that means many people live with narcissists.
When the world shut down in 2020, people couldn't escape their relationships — and many likely turned to the internet for ways to cope.
“I definitely think in 2020 people were … Googling more, 'Why does my partner treat me this way?’ Cole says. “ 'Why do I feel so depressed?' 'Why can't I ever relax?' 'Why does my partner lie all the time?’ “
When they googled, many likely found their answers delivered by none other than the internet’s first narcissism celebrity.
The narcissism doctor is in: How Ramani Durvasula found fame
Perhaps no other expert has become more synonymous with narcissism education than Dr. Ramani.
Her career has included viral interviews on MedCircle, “Red Table Talk” and “The Jetty Shetty Podcast.” She’s authored three books on narcissism, the most recent of which, “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People,” came out in February and landed at No. 3 on the New York Times' Advice, How-To & Miscellaneous best-seller list. Recently, Durvasula launched “The Dr. Ramani Network,” an interactive mental health and wellness community on Mark Cuban’s platform Fireside.
In a wellness landscape dominated by feel-good language like “self-care,” “mindfulness” and “just do the work,” Durvasula’s refreshing bluntness hits like a splash of ice water to the face.
I understood the appeal. In the months following my first heartbreak, Dr. Ramani became my resource. If she wrote a book, I read it. If she gave a three-hour interview, I watched it. Hell, I would even pause and rewind, just to make sure I didn’t misunderstand a drop of the wisdom she shared.
Narcissists don’t change, she repeats on her YouTube channel, where she uploads daily videos to her 1.7 million subscribers. They don’t feel empathy — or, if they do, it’s not enough to sustain an intimate relationship. If you choose to keep one in your life, that’s fine — many do, but don’t kid yourself into thinking the narcissist will ever get better. They can’t. Instead, arm yourself with the cold, hard facts — and know exactly what it is you’re dealing with.
“I've never heard this behavior explained so clearly!! I've wasted way too much life energy trying to figure this out, and now that burden can be lifted,” wrote one YouTube commenter. “You are an angel to us all!” wrote another. “Dr. Ramani saved my life!” said another.
Her straightforward message resonated with me, too. Durvasula’s videos both jolted and brought me back to earth. I could always count on her to tell me the truth, even if it hurt.
For Durvasula, her rise from unknown university professor, therapist and researcher to pseudo-celebrity has been strange and, at times, unsettling. To hear her tell it herself sounds like the plot of a movie.
Five years ago, Durvasula lived a normal life. She had done some TV news hits on narcissism, but it wasn’t a regular occurrence. She’d written two books, but neither were flying off shelves.
Then, after a few of her interviews went viral on YouTube, some students approached her with an idea: Why not make videos on her own channel? She filmed her first video on an iPhone, removing the shade off a nearby lamp for improved lighting.
Her channel grew steadily — and so did her profile. Her 5,000 subscribers soon became 100,000. On April 30, 2022, she hit 1 million.
Her rising star also made her the target of some nasty characters. Narcissists, offended by her content, started coming out of the woodwork. Some made concerning threats.
“I don't feel as safe in public in the same way,” Durvasula says of her life now, compared to just a few years ago, before narcissism, and her work, blew up. “I go through the world very differently than I once did.”
Still, she says it’s been worth it to see how much her information has helped people.
The mainstreaming of narcissism has been a double-edged sword, and even Durvasula has some reservations about it. Narcissism is a complex issue, she says, and its nuance often gets lost on social media, where short-form content reigns supreme.
The growing buzz around narcissism has also inspired creators to jump on the bandwagon, even if they know nothing about it. Faux experts chasing views, she says, have only further muddied the waters around an already complicated topic.
“People are taking a very simplistic view of it,” Durvasula says. “People will go online and say, 'All narcissists cheat,' or, 'You've got to leave your narcissistic relationship now.' And the vast majority of us can't leave every narcissistic relationship we're in. It doesn't work that way. So I think there's a simplification of advice and feedback, which can sometimes shame people and confuse people.”
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By oversimplifying narcissism, these creators, Durvasula says, also risk undoing the progress legitimate experts have worked so hard to achieve. After all, if people become oversaturated with narcissism content, they may become skeptical of the topic entirely.
“When the nuance gets lost, then you get pushback of, 'Oh, people who are talking about narcissistic abuse are whiners or they're acting like victims,’ “ Durvasula says. “And so then you see this new shaming of people who are going through something very real.”
Has our culture's narcissism obsession gone too far?
Therapists agree wider awareness of narcissism has, overall, been a good thing: Narcissism has likely always been prevalent, but now, people have language to make sense of it. Most importantly, more people know not to blame themselves.
But can too much narcissism content be bad?
Danielle Arias was working the front desk at a hotel when she met the narcissist that sent her down her research rabbit hole. She remembers the day she met him in 2016. Well-known in the community, he scoffed when she didn’t recognize him.
“I remember he came over to me, and I didn't know who he was,” Arias recalls. “I don't watch a lot of news. And he came over to me basically, like, 'Do you know who I am?’”
What followed, she says, was a tumultuous, three-year situationship that weighed heavily on her mental health. He gaslit her about his dates with other women. In public, he was dignified and respectable; in private, entitled and cruel.
When Arias pulled back, he hoovered — a term referring to a narcissist’s attempts at winning someone back.
“When I tried to assert a boundary, he would come to work and stand and just stare at me, sometimes for 40 minutes. One time he was looking through a window at me,” Arias says. “I was just thinking, ‘What is it? What is it that you want from me?’ And then, as I come to realize, it was probably power or control or something like that.”
The experience disturbed her — and ultimately inspired her to consult the internet for answers. Her search led to narcissism and, eventually, gray rocking, a technique that involves becoming bland and uninteresting so a narcissist leaves you alone.
She gave it a try. It worked.
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But even after he left, the anxiety lingered. She was terrified of getting into a situation like that again, of getting close to another narcissist.
Researching narcissism became a ritual.
“A lot of people go through obsessiveness about it, because you want to understand it,” Arias says. “How did I get here? What is real?”
Cole says this is common for those hurt by narcissists — and she sees it with clients all the time.
"There's definitely this phase where people first find out about narcissism, and they cannot get enough,” she says. “They’re listening to every podcast, researching every article, every video, reading every book. They saturate themselves with it, because it is like, 'This is it. This is the key. This is what I've been dealing with. This explains everything.' And we are desperate to make sense of what we've been through.”
I know exactly what she means.
Narcissism changed how I see people. It's been good and bad
I fell in love for the first time when I was 23. Or, at least I thought I did.
I won’t say much about the relationship itself, because, quite frankly, most of the details are too blurry, too tedious or too embarrassing for print. And what really matters is what happened after.
When it all came to a dizzying end, I wandered for weeks in what felt like a fog of confusion. What just happened? How could someone place me on a pedestal only to callously disparage and toss me aside weeks later? What changed? Was anything we shared real — or was it all a lie?
Then, one night digging on YouTube, I found Dr. Ramani — and everything about the last few months suddenly made sense.
It was as if I was fumbling in a dark room, and someone had turned on a light switch. I saw my brief relationship for what it was. I learned about love-bombing and devaluing and discarding. Most importantly, I learned they don’t change: While a narcissist can make conscious choices to treat people differently, their underlying personality style will always be self-centered, grandiose, entitled and lacking empathy.
But I wanted to learn something else: I wanted to learn how never to get in a relationship like that again.
Researchers have apparently wanted to learn this as well. A 2018 study claimed people could reliably spot grandiose narcissists by the shape of their eyebrows. A 2022 study said it found a link between narcissism and belief in astrology.
It makes sense why narcissism red flags have become hot topics of recent research. Imagine the time, energy and tears that could be saved if people knew immediately the person sitting across from them on a first date, at a job interview or around the family dinner table was a narcissist.
These studies, however, are flawed for multiple reasons. No, you can’t tell someone’s a narcissist based solely off appearances or hobbies.
“In fact, I'll even say a therapist might take six to eight months to say, 'Oh, I see what I'm dealing with here,’ “ Durvasula says. “There is no red flag model here. There's no easy way to figure this out.”
Perhaps a better use of research, she says, would be turning our attention away from narcissists and onto those hurt by them. What is life like on the other side of narcissistic abuse? What are the people up all night Googling narcissism going through?
“We have spent most of the literature in this field, 99% of it, analyzing narcissism,” Durvasula says. “We have almost no literature on what happens to people in these relationships.”
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In the absence of studies, however, we have experiences. Arias, for one, is doing much better. So am I, but it took time to get here.
For a while, I kept my guard up higher than Mt. Everest. I looked for red flags like Sherlock Holmes looks for clues.
I learned if you look hard enough for something, you’ll probably find it — or at least think you do. This person dresses well? Clearly they're attention-seeking, I would think. This person complimented me? Love bombing. This one's funny? Just deceptive charm at work.
My narcissistic relationship lasted three months — light stuff, compared to others. Ryley Sell, who’s been married twice to narcissists, says she still struggles feeling safe, even after plenty of healing work.
“I have this underlying fear that I am going to draw somebody to me like that again, and it scares me and it worries me,” she says. “Even in my relationship now, even though he's very good to me, I still have this fear. What if tomorrow he flips and something crazy happens? It's just always an unsettling feeling.”
My overthinking about narcissism lasted until yet another Dr. Ramani sound bite gave me a much-needed reality check.
This time, she said something I never thought she’d say: Many times, it doesn’t really matter if you know someone’s a narcissist. Huh?
Her point? If you know someone’s mistreating you — and it’s a long-standing pattern that’s not going to change — why bother scrutinizing the ins and outs of their personality? Your choice remains the same either way: Stay or go.
"I tell people it doesn't matter,” Durvasula tells me over the phone. “What matters is that week-over-week, month-after-month, year-over-year, you have told me that this person has manipulated you. This person has invalidated you. This person has betrayed you, that you're carrying the disproportionate emotional load in this relationship. You're chronically confused in this relationship. That's not OK.”
Instead of overanalyzing narcissists, Durvasula says, what if we paid more attention to ourselves? It's a surprising proposition coming from someone who's made a lucrative career out of raising awareness about narcissists, but it's an important point. Rather than hunt for red flags, try asking yourself: How does this person make me feel? And why?
They’re not questions Google can answer — and that’s OK. Maybe it’s time I start trusting myself more than the internet for once. Maybe it's time we all did.
“It’s a pendulum, right?” Durvasula says. “At one point, the pendulum was almost under-guarded, or at least uninformed. They didn't know what they were dealing with, and so they got pulled into very harmful relationships. Then they learned, and then there's an overcorrection. … Healing is about finding the gray.”
At least now my guard is finally down enough to give it a try.